Post by Edward Cheever on Jun 3, 2010 18:36:31 GMT -6
Okay, now before you get to the meat of my post, the only way you're going to understand any of this AT ALL is entirely dependent on if you read the blog post at this link: whatever.scalzi.com/2010/05/30/fanfic-contest/
Have you read that link?
Are you sure?
Go back and read it again, for clarity.
Okay, okay.
So what follows is my first (and I mean FIRST) draft of my entry. I really want to do my best with this one, guys. If I could get published alongside the likes of John Scalzi, Patrick Rothfuss and Will Wheaton, even as a Fanfic contest, it might very well give me the credibility I need to be given that extra chance at an editor's table in the future when I want to publish something substantial.
So, be savage. I want to know everything that's wrong. everywhere the language can be cleaned up. Everywhere things seem awkward or boring.
I know there are a lot of in-jokes, but I can point them out to you if you aren't sure. I think they are important to the sucess of the overall story.
Oh, and I need to cut nearly 200 words. It can't be longer than 2000. Thanks again!
Also, I don't have a name for it, so any ideas would help.
...............................
UPDATE: The Story Text Below Is Now In Draft 3 Form With A New Ending.
...............................
The lonely ScalzOrc wandered the volcanic landscape which had been the scene of apocalyptic activity merely a day or two past. The desolate vista was certain to erupt again, whether in a week, two days, or in the next few seconds. The land never slept anymore.
The orc who had been the man John Scalzi trudged onward, and sulfur crystals ground to a fine powder beneath his boot heels as ash fell around his green pointed ears and dusted his paldrons. He didn't give his surroundings much notice anymore. Instead he remained sunken in memories of his past life. The volcanic mountains were always near, always present, and so were far less important to him than the images of an idyllic Ohio home and a loving family.
How long had it been, he wondered, since the end of the world? The Apocalypse had been predictable. The destruction. The madness. But of all the things to have been mistaken over... Scalzi shook his head. Who could have guessed it would be brought on by evil cat gods?
The ground rumbled, and Scalzi adjusted his footing to remain standing. He could hear cracking rock in the distance, and he could feel it beneath his feet. His ears pricked. He turned his head back and forth. There had been another sound on the wind, he was sure of it. The ground heaved and Scalzi was tossed to the air, then to ground. As Scalzi clambered to his feet and scooped up his ax in his left hand, a great earthen roar crashed over him. The volcanoes to the south erupted in a violent show of anger and despair, shooting black soot into the sky, darkening the landscape until an unnatural twilight settled upon the shoulders of the earth.
Through the roar came another sound; a mad war cry, a feline scream and the sound of powerful wings. Scalzi glanced over his left shoulder just in time to see the raised spear coming from the sky. He leaped forward and rolled as it plunged into the earth, cracking the rock. A great beast landed beside the spear. Its rear legs were all muscles and sinew with the hooves of a horse. Its forelegs were covered with thick fur, and claws that rent the ground. It had the face of a cat, and the horn of a unicorn, golden and deadly. Upon its back rode the fiercest, and most ridiculous warrior he had ever seen.
“Will?” Scalzi asked dumbfounded.
“The same, John,” Will Wheaton replied. He grasped the pole of the spear and wrenched it from the ground. He seemed larger than Scalzi remembered him, with thick muscles and a rugged face painted in fury. More disturbing was his clothing. Stretched across his frame was the infamous clown sweater, which he wore above blue shorts and no footwear. The clown's smile was as silly as he remembered it, but there was also a strange hint of menace.
Scalzi snarled as what he was seeing registered in his mind. Wheaton rode on a Unicorn Pegasus Kitten, one of the cat gods' foul creatures, and had attacked him. And he wore that hideous sweater. He had betrayed humanity with the others.
Fire coursed in his orcish blood. He raised his ax and charged. “Wheaton!”
Wheaton sneered and tugged on the reins of his mount to face the oncoming ScalzOrc. “Bring it, old man,” he growled.
The creature's claws struck and flashed at Scalzi, who dogged and deflected with his shield. He swung his ax, but the beast danced back and lunged with its golden horn before it. The horn shattered the shield like old-world porcelain and its weight drove him to the ground. Scalzi grabbed the creature's whiskers and pulled, drawing yowls of anguish. Wheaton thrust the spear at Scalzi's chest, but he managed to push the point aside with his hand, earning a shallow cut which ran up his arm to the shoulder. Black blood leaked out onto the scorched earth.
With a cry, Scalzi kicked hard into the beast's furry abdomen. The creature retreated in pain, coughing and wheezing haggardly. Scalzi took the opportunity to scramble to his feet and advance. It swatted at him again weakly; Scalzi evaded easily and leaped past the probing horn, kicking Wheaton squarely in the face. They both tumbled off the brute's back, and Wheaton's spear skittered across the stone.
Scalzi groaned and picked himself up to his feet first. He hefted his ax and turned just in time to block a horn thrust. The force of the blow knocked the ax from his hands. He shoved its head sideways and grabbed the reins attached to its harness. Staying up behind the creature's ear, he wrapped the reigns around his fist tightly. With a heave he yanked the creature around and wrestled it to the ground. He raised his ax.
Wheaton screamed, “No!” and thrust himself in front of Scalzi, spear held aloft between his hands. The ax came down on the metal pole hard, sending him to his knees.
“Traitor!” Scalzi cried and swung the ax into the sickly smile of the clown sweater. The force knocked Wheaton backward, where he lay coughing in the ash. Scalzi looked at him in amazement. The ax should have cut right through him, but the sweater didn't have so much as a frayed yarn.
“Traitor?” Wheaton gasped between heaves. “To... To what?” He doubled over in a racking cough, “You're the... traitor.”
“No tricks, Will. You rode here on a spawn of the cat gods?” He kicked it in its ribs. “And you're not a traitor?”
Wheaton stood, still panting heavily. “What about you? Cat gods got you an upgrade. Now you're running around, a big bad orc.”
“You think I wanted this?” Scalzi asked angrily. Black blood dripped off his fingertips.
“Well why else, John? They killed everyone else they caught.”
“It's punishment, Will! What would Cat Gods do when they find me with my bacon scarf around my neck?”
Wheaton's eyes widened. “Oh.”
“They call me the Bacon-Taper.” Scalzi spat bitterly. “Ghlaghghee was hailed as a martyr. They cursed me to wander the earth as an orc.”
“I'm sorry, John. I didn't realize...”
“You're sorry? You betray your whole species, and you're sorry?”
“I haven't betrayed anyone.”
Scalzi gave him an incredulous look. “Then explain the cat monster.”
“I stole her.”
“You just strolled away with a Unicorn Pegasus Kitten?”
“I call her Lolcat.”
Scalzi's jaw dropped. “Seriously?”
Will shrugged. “I thought it was appropriate.'”
“You just waltzed into a Cat God's nest, stole its baby and named it Lolcat?”
“You make it sound so easy,” Will smiled.
Scalzi hefted his ax. “How on earth did you survive an ax blow to the chest?”
“This,” Will said, gesturing at the sweater. “Whatever evil powers it had in the old world are more... pronounced.”
“Evil powers?” Scalzi asked wryly. “Didn't it just save your life?”
“It's also grafted to my skin.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I'm hoping it will come off if we fix things.”
Scalzi opened his arms and revolved around at the blackened sky and the volcanoes belching lava in the distance. “Fix this?”
“We're trying, John. You know,” Wheaton said casually. “We could really use you. You actually nearly beat us just now.”
“I did beat you just now. Who's this 'we?'”
Wheaton ticked off his fingers. “Me, Catherynne Valente, Patrick Rothfuss – you should see him, we're not the only ones who've changed - and some others. Gabe and Tycho run the Acquisitions Inc. branch out of Washington. Neil Gaiman's gone loopy – well, loopy-er, but he's definitely with us. Oh,” He paused briefly. “...and I don't know if you two will be able to work together, but we've also got Brandon.” He tensed.
“Brandon who?”
“Brandon Sanderson?”
Scalzi shook his head.
“Says you're his arch nemesis...”
Scalzi groaned, “Whatever.” ]
Wheaton thingyed an amused eyebrow, “We should be okay, then.”
The grin slipped off Wheaton's face as his eyes traveled up past Scalzi's shoulder. “Uh... We should go. Like, right now.” As Wheaton turned to Lolcat, a deafening screech tore at Scalzi's ears. High in the sky, a figure zoomed toward them with powerful strokes of its wings. The Unicorn Pegasus Cat's eyes raged and its maw was filled with glistening teeth the size of small trees. It screamed again.
“Go! Go!” Wheaton yelled.
Scalzi leaped onto Lolcat's back. Despite the weight, Lolcat surged into the air at a run.
“There's no way we can outrun that thing!” Wheaton called over his shoulder.
Scalzi's brows furrowed. “Then turn us around.”
“What?” Wheaton cried incredulously.
“We'll take it head on.”
Wheaton became grim and he nodded.
With a jerk of the reins they barreled backward at the pursuing monster. Shock briefly replaced rage in the monster's eyes as Scalzi raised his ax bellowing madly. They crashed into the beast and all four plummeted through the air in a tangle of muscle, teeth and blades. Lightning crashed and thunder boomed, throwing the combatants into sharp relief, drowning out their war cries.
Scalzi leaped from Lolcat and swung around to the monster's back, his chopping ax finding purchase in its back. The creature yowled, swiping furiously in all directions. Lolcat dug its horn into a rib and was struck back by ragged claws. Wheaton's spear flashed and darted at the eyes and nose, like a snake. With a roar the beast latched its teeth around Wheaton's sweatered chest and shook him back and forth violently.
Scalzi slammed his ax into the beast's jaw to the sound of cracking bone, sending Wheaton flying from its sagging mouth and spinning off into the air, still grasping his spear. The broken cries of the monster echoed the pain in its eyes as it turned fully to Scalzi. Reaching talons scored across his bloody leather armor and tore a paldron from his shoulder, but Scalzi clenched his axe in his teeth and clawed his way past its mouth up behind the head.
Griping its neck with both legs, he lifted his ax two handed above his head and planted it squarely between the beast's eyes. The monster convulsed, throwing Scalzi high into the air. All was quiet for mere seconds. Time slowed as they fell from the sky. With a sickening crunch it slammed into the volcano's rocky side. Scalzi fell onto the beast's remains, cushioned by its wings. He lay there for a minute, and it took him a moment to stand up, but Scalzi managed, stumbling away from the remains.
He collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily. “Now that... was exhilarating,” He panted.
He didn't hear the monster pull itself up and lurch toward him. It neared slowly, carefully and painful. Hearing pebbles clattering, Scalzi turned just as the beast raised it's wicked claws. With a sharp smash, the creature was slammed to the ground, Wheaton's spear through its skull.
“You need to watch out for yourself, John.” Wheaton grinned from atop the battered Lolcat. “You get old and can't handle excitement like you used to.”
Scalzi wearily reached up and grasped Wheaton's hand. “Will, I'm in.”
“You know,” He replied with a smirk, “This feels like those lame comic book stories where the heroes are supposed to fight, but never do.”
Scalzi grinned wickedly, “I could kill you if it'd make you feel better.”
“I'm good, thanks.”
Have you read that link?
Are you sure?
Go back and read it again, for clarity.
Okay, okay.
So what follows is my first (and I mean FIRST) draft of my entry. I really want to do my best with this one, guys. If I could get published alongside the likes of John Scalzi, Patrick Rothfuss and Will Wheaton, even as a Fanfic contest, it might very well give me the credibility I need to be given that extra chance at an editor's table in the future when I want to publish something substantial.
So, be savage. I want to know everything that's wrong. everywhere the language can be cleaned up. Everywhere things seem awkward or boring.
I know there are a lot of in-jokes, but I can point them out to you if you aren't sure. I think they are important to the sucess of the overall story.
Oh, and I need to cut nearly 200 words. It can't be longer than 2000. Thanks again!
Also, I don't have a name for it, so any ideas would help.
...............................
UPDATE: The Story Text Below Is Now In Draft 3 Form With A New Ending.
...............................
The lonely ScalzOrc wandered the volcanic landscape which had been the scene of apocalyptic activity merely a day or two past. The desolate vista was certain to erupt again, whether in a week, two days, or in the next few seconds. The land never slept anymore.
The orc who had been the man John Scalzi trudged onward, and sulfur crystals ground to a fine powder beneath his boot heels as ash fell around his green pointed ears and dusted his paldrons. He didn't give his surroundings much notice anymore. Instead he remained sunken in memories of his past life. The volcanic mountains were always near, always present, and so were far less important to him than the images of an idyllic Ohio home and a loving family.
How long had it been, he wondered, since the end of the world? The Apocalypse had been predictable. The destruction. The madness. But of all the things to have been mistaken over... Scalzi shook his head. Who could have guessed it would be brought on by evil cat gods?
The ground rumbled, and Scalzi adjusted his footing to remain standing. He could hear cracking rock in the distance, and he could feel it beneath his feet. His ears pricked. He turned his head back and forth. There had been another sound on the wind, he was sure of it. The ground heaved and Scalzi was tossed to the air, then to ground. As Scalzi clambered to his feet and scooped up his ax in his left hand, a great earthen roar crashed over him. The volcanoes to the south erupted in a violent show of anger and despair, shooting black soot into the sky, darkening the landscape until an unnatural twilight settled upon the shoulders of the earth.
Through the roar came another sound; a mad war cry, a feline scream and the sound of powerful wings. Scalzi glanced over his left shoulder just in time to see the raised spear coming from the sky. He leaped forward and rolled as it plunged into the earth, cracking the rock. A great beast landed beside the spear. Its rear legs were all muscles and sinew with the hooves of a horse. Its forelegs were covered with thick fur, and claws that rent the ground. It had the face of a cat, and the horn of a unicorn, golden and deadly. Upon its back rode the fiercest, and most ridiculous warrior he had ever seen.
“Will?” Scalzi asked dumbfounded.
“The same, John,” Will Wheaton replied. He grasped the pole of the spear and wrenched it from the ground. He seemed larger than Scalzi remembered him, with thick muscles and a rugged face painted in fury. More disturbing was his clothing. Stretched across his frame was the infamous clown sweater, which he wore above blue shorts and no footwear. The clown's smile was as silly as he remembered it, but there was also a strange hint of menace.
Scalzi snarled as what he was seeing registered in his mind. Wheaton rode on a Unicorn Pegasus Kitten, one of the cat gods' foul creatures, and had attacked him. And he wore that hideous sweater. He had betrayed humanity with the others.
Fire coursed in his orcish blood. He raised his ax and charged. “Wheaton!”
Wheaton sneered and tugged on the reins of his mount to face the oncoming ScalzOrc. “Bring it, old man,” he growled.
The creature's claws struck and flashed at Scalzi, who dogged and deflected with his shield. He swung his ax, but the beast danced back and lunged with its golden horn before it. The horn shattered the shield like old-world porcelain and its weight drove him to the ground. Scalzi grabbed the creature's whiskers and pulled, drawing yowls of anguish. Wheaton thrust the spear at Scalzi's chest, but he managed to push the point aside with his hand, earning a shallow cut which ran up his arm to the shoulder. Black blood leaked out onto the scorched earth.
With a cry, Scalzi kicked hard into the beast's furry abdomen. The creature retreated in pain, coughing and wheezing haggardly. Scalzi took the opportunity to scramble to his feet and advance. It swatted at him again weakly; Scalzi evaded easily and leaped past the probing horn, kicking Wheaton squarely in the face. They both tumbled off the brute's back, and Wheaton's spear skittered across the stone.
Scalzi groaned and picked himself up to his feet first. He hefted his ax and turned just in time to block a horn thrust. The force of the blow knocked the ax from his hands. He shoved its head sideways and grabbed the reins attached to its harness. Staying up behind the creature's ear, he wrapped the reigns around his fist tightly. With a heave he yanked the creature around and wrestled it to the ground. He raised his ax.
Wheaton screamed, “No!” and thrust himself in front of Scalzi, spear held aloft between his hands. The ax came down on the metal pole hard, sending him to his knees.
“Traitor!” Scalzi cried and swung the ax into the sickly smile of the clown sweater. The force knocked Wheaton backward, where he lay coughing in the ash. Scalzi looked at him in amazement. The ax should have cut right through him, but the sweater didn't have so much as a frayed yarn.
“Traitor?” Wheaton gasped between heaves. “To... To what?” He doubled over in a racking cough, “You're the... traitor.”
“No tricks, Will. You rode here on a spawn of the cat gods?” He kicked it in its ribs. “And you're not a traitor?”
Wheaton stood, still panting heavily. “What about you? Cat gods got you an upgrade. Now you're running around, a big bad orc.”
“You think I wanted this?” Scalzi asked angrily. Black blood dripped off his fingertips.
“Well why else, John? They killed everyone else they caught.”
“It's punishment, Will! What would Cat Gods do when they find me with my bacon scarf around my neck?”
Wheaton's eyes widened. “Oh.”
“They call me the Bacon-Taper.” Scalzi spat bitterly. “Ghlaghghee was hailed as a martyr. They cursed me to wander the earth as an orc.”
“I'm sorry, John. I didn't realize...”
“You're sorry? You betray your whole species, and you're sorry?”
“I haven't betrayed anyone.”
Scalzi gave him an incredulous look. “Then explain the cat monster.”
“I stole her.”
“You just strolled away with a Unicorn Pegasus Kitten?”
“I call her Lolcat.”
Scalzi's jaw dropped. “Seriously?”
Will shrugged. “I thought it was appropriate.'”
“You just waltzed into a Cat God's nest, stole its baby and named it Lolcat?”
“You make it sound so easy,” Will smiled.
Scalzi hefted his ax. “How on earth did you survive an ax blow to the chest?”
“This,” Will said, gesturing at the sweater. “Whatever evil powers it had in the old world are more... pronounced.”
“Evil powers?” Scalzi asked wryly. “Didn't it just save your life?”
“It's also grafted to my skin.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I'm hoping it will come off if we fix things.”
Scalzi opened his arms and revolved around at the blackened sky and the volcanoes belching lava in the distance. “Fix this?”
“We're trying, John. You know,” Wheaton said casually. “We could really use you. You actually nearly beat us just now.”
“I did beat you just now. Who's this 'we?'”
Wheaton ticked off his fingers. “Me, Catherynne Valente, Patrick Rothfuss – you should see him, we're not the only ones who've changed - and some others. Gabe and Tycho run the Acquisitions Inc. branch out of Washington. Neil Gaiman's gone loopy – well, loopy-er, but he's definitely with us. Oh,” He paused briefly. “...and I don't know if you two will be able to work together, but we've also got Brandon.” He tensed.
“Brandon who?”
“Brandon Sanderson?”
Scalzi shook his head.
“Says you're his arch nemesis...”
Scalzi groaned, “Whatever.” ]
Wheaton thingyed an amused eyebrow, “We should be okay, then.”
The grin slipped off Wheaton's face as his eyes traveled up past Scalzi's shoulder. “Uh... We should go. Like, right now.” As Wheaton turned to Lolcat, a deafening screech tore at Scalzi's ears. High in the sky, a figure zoomed toward them with powerful strokes of its wings. The Unicorn Pegasus Cat's eyes raged and its maw was filled with glistening teeth the size of small trees. It screamed again.
“Go! Go!” Wheaton yelled.
Scalzi leaped onto Lolcat's back. Despite the weight, Lolcat surged into the air at a run.
“There's no way we can outrun that thing!” Wheaton called over his shoulder.
Scalzi's brows furrowed. “Then turn us around.”
“What?” Wheaton cried incredulously.
“We'll take it head on.”
Wheaton became grim and he nodded.
With a jerk of the reins they barreled backward at the pursuing monster. Shock briefly replaced rage in the monster's eyes as Scalzi raised his ax bellowing madly. They crashed into the beast and all four plummeted through the air in a tangle of muscle, teeth and blades. Lightning crashed and thunder boomed, throwing the combatants into sharp relief, drowning out their war cries.
Scalzi leaped from Lolcat and swung around to the monster's back, his chopping ax finding purchase in its back. The creature yowled, swiping furiously in all directions. Lolcat dug its horn into a rib and was struck back by ragged claws. Wheaton's spear flashed and darted at the eyes and nose, like a snake. With a roar the beast latched its teeth around Wheaton's sweatered chest and shook him back and forth violently.
Scalzi slammed his ax into the beast's jaw to the sound of cracking bone, sending Wheaton flying from its sagging mouth and spinning off into the air, still grasping his spear. The broken cries of the monster echoed the pain in its eyes as it turned fully to Scalzi. Reaching talons scored across his bloody leather armor and tore a paldron from his shoulder, but Scalzi clenched his axe in his teeth and clawed his way past its mouth up behind the head.
Griping its neck with both legs, he lifted his ax two handed above his head and planted it squarely between the beast's eyes. The monster convulsed, throwing Scalzi high into the air. All was quiet for mere seconds. Time slowed as they fell from the sky. With a sickening crunch it slammed into the volcano's rocky side. Scalzi fell onto the beast's remains, cushioned by its wings. He lay there for a minute, and it took him a moment to stand up, but Scalzi managed, stumbling away from the remains.
He collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily. “Now that... was exhilarating,” He panted.
He didn't hear the monster pull itself up and lurch toward him. It neared slowly, carefully and painful. Hearing pebbles clattering, Scalzi turned just as the beast raised it's wicked claws. With a sharp smash, the creature was slammed to the ground, Wheaton's spear through its skull.
“You need to watch out for yourself, John.” Wheaton grinned from atop the battered Lolcat. “You get old and can't handle excitement like you used to.”
Scalzi wearily reached up and grasped Wheaton's hand. “Will, I'm in.”
“You know,” He replied with a smirk, “This feels like those lame comic book stories where the heroes are supposed to fight, but never do.”
Scalzi grinned wickedly, “I could kill you if it'd make you feel better.”
“I'm good, thanks.”