Inputting data. Blogging. Initiating command sequence. The first step in blogging is to access a host site. Input personal data to create a user account. Follow set-up procedures. Once your web log has been created, access the “new post” function. Insert title in designated data receiver. Mentally compute message content before continuing. Click in the message input box. Place fingers on the data input panel. Humans call it “keyboard”. Input message by selecting the corresponding symbols located on the data input panel. After inputting message, scan content to ensure all data was entered correctly. Click the “post” icon. Data sent. Ending command sequence. Stop.
NINJA: ON HOW TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB Most honorable respecter of persons, my duties seldom call for me to act in full view and open enlightenment. But may come a time when the enlightenment available for your master and his following is insufficient. In those indelicate situations, there is a call to know the steps necessary to reinstitute the light that illumines from the globe above the master’s head. Here, with my most humble apologies, are the steps to do this. First, you must enter the room, sight unseen. You are the wind; you flutter through the air without touching the floor or ruffling a feather. While in Nan-keptu lotus position, mid-kipu, you reach into your gi and withdraw, most delicately, the replacement bulb. Before lighting down, with your right hand, reach softly yet firmly up and twist rapidly to the left. You let the bulb drop to the floor, but before it hits the ground, you insert and twist the replacement bulb into position. It is critical that your insertion is complete before the bulb hits the ground. If you are unsuccessful, you must immediately commit seppuku. If you are successful in your endeavor and have recovered the erring light fixture before it strikes ground, then you must be out of the room before light once again falls upon your shadow. You are a lotus flower, but you must not be seen. Only felt as the east wind follows you.
It takes determination and a lot of concentration, but I believe this can be done. You need a mop, of course, and a bucket of water. Keep in mind that a mop is an inanimate object, but it has an essence of its own. Now, not only do you want to focus on the mop; you want it to focus on you as well. Why? Well, it’s simple. You’re the one telling it what to do. Will the mop to focus on you. Help it to concentrate. Once you have put complete focus on the object, it will reciprocate. (At least it should, anyway.) Here’s the tricky part. Inanimate objects tend to be… somewhat lazy, unfortunately. This may be a problem, but as long as you persist, you should be able to overcome this small obstacle. The next part is simple. Start directing. You have a task, and it needs to get done. Make sure your mop understands that. Once you’ve gotten your mop to start, it shouldn’t be too hard to continue. As a matter of fact, it’s almost more difficult to make it stop. Mops don’t have eyes. They don’t understand in which direction they’re turning. Make sure you keep the mop concentrated enough to still follow your instructions. If you don’t, this simple chore could become quite hazardous.
How to Write a book, by a gypsy ƒº First, you must dance! Dance your heart out! Dance like you never danced before. Start by grabbing a sword not a pencil. Start flipping it around in the air and catching it with your teeth. Next stand on your hands and start flipping the sword with your feet. At this point you grab a pencil, but instead of writing with you hand, you will write with your teeth while still flipping the sword with your feet. After about a sentence or two, you must stop. The next thing you do is get on your feet, put on a pair of gloves and start doing the moon walk. Yes, I said the moon walk. If it helps, put on Thriller to get your feet moving. Do that for about five minutes, spin around and start doing it again. After the moonwalk, you begin to write another few words, but the vibe of the music moves you. Do not deny the music! Dance! Dance! Dance! A song comes onto your Ipod and you listen. It is the song teach me how to dougie! Dougie your heart out. Leaning to the left and to the right and break dancing all over the floor. Show off your hot moves and finish it all off with the hokie pokie at the end of the song! After the song your inspiration will begin to grow even more but you do not want to lose your inspiration so you continue to dance! You play teach me how to jerk and you also play cat daddy. You dance and dance and dance and dance. Pretty soon you basically forget all about your book. But that is ok. Dancing is a lot more fun than writing anyway. I do not know why people would come to a gypsy to learn how to write a book because I do not know. Oh well. Have a nice day and dance dance dance!
Before you judge my floppy, fanged bunny slippers—trust me they’re just as comfortable as they look—I am going to describe the tedious task of how to properly put on shoes—though why anyone would choose sneakers over bunny slippers I’ve no idea. First you have to find a pair of sneakers—and no I don’t mean some off of the first human you get your hands on (although I admire your desire to not be wasteful, I have found in my previous studies that not all prey wear the same shoe size). Where was I? Oh, yes, finding a pair of shoes. There are plenty of places to find them, namely in a convenience store, but I honestly wouldn’t know since I am of the waste not, want not variety. Once you are able to find some that fit comfortably—provided you are not too distracted or decide to take a human hostage for a snack in the process—find a place with which you can sit, otherwise I’ve been told people will stare at your awkwardness. As a scientist—yes, I’ve been told I am of the crazy, mad species—I would suggest the most comfortable shoes available. On that note, my fanged bunny slippers, but good luck finding another pair—I believe I stole them from a human decades ago.