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Post by akitaa on Feb 15, 2009 13:07:49 GMT -6
The room glowed With the last rays of the sun. Into the room flowed Three small lights as one.
The table stood Dressed in simple elegance. Food and dishes could Have no better stance.
The family sat, Their faces glowing in the candlelight. Hands joined around the table, that Quiet Friday night.
The sun sank away And all worries faded from the day.
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Post by kd on Feb 26, 2009 18:25:54 GMT -6
sounds like a wonderful description of Sabbath. The third stanza seems to be off balance from the rest. the fist stanza has a sylable count of 3,7,5,5 The second stanza is 4,7,5,5 the third stanza is 4,9,8,5 I would try to balance out the rythm. Add a word to the first line like "small" and then eddit the second and third lines of the third stanza. Something like "faces glowed in candlelight" and "hands joined in love that" I find that keeping the rythym pattern constant helps the poem to flow, unless you want to give it an unsettled feeling, but I think this poem should create a feeling of peace. The decriptions do a good job of that but the rythem throws it off just a bit. You are welcome to take my advice and see what you think or just throw it away and do it your own way. That is one of the marvolous things about poetry. You can always break the rules.
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Post by Edward Cheever on Feb 26, 2009 18:41:50 GMT -6
This poem does an excellent job of giving life to a singular, simple image; that of a family giving thanks before dinner on the onset of night. The quiet and peace of the image, combined with the warm glow and such gives the scene a very definate atmosphere that I like. I like the images of light, like the candles, the setting sun and the glowing faces and room, but the 3rd and fourth line confuse me a little. I'm not sure what you mean by "Three Small Lights." I'm sure that many other readers are probably curious too. Also, I think if you found another way to say "The room glowed" then it would further enhance the language because it won't be redundant when you read "Their faces glowing" later on. So you might need to work on that first stanza a mite, but it's a good poem ^_^ btw, if you're not going for rythm in your poem specifically, I wouldn't worry about the third stanza. Besides, I kinda like it the way it is
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