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Post by akitaa on Apr 13, 2009 12:26:07 GMT -6
My precious, My desire, Separation aches Pervade me. Longing increases. To wait? Too hard. Blessed friends Grow abundant. How long? Must wait. More precious With time You'll be.
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Post by glen on Apr 13, 2009 14:22:46 GMT -6
Nice.
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Post by Edward Cheever on May 3, 2009 1:34:21 GMT -6
Interesting two word per line structure. It actually really serves the poem well, especially at the end. It also reinforces the feeling of impatience that the poem is supposed to evoke. A sort of breathless waiting heartbeat. Nice. That said, with the poem seeming to focus on the separation between the speaker and their beloved(which I derive from such strong words as 'Precious' and 'Desire'), the middle lines (8, 9) seem to break the trend by drawning the attention away from the pair and their separation. I'm sure that you meant to evoke the sense that time is passing, and things are happening in their lives, but there just aren't enough lines on that subject to convey a full concept. I'll give some advice that, obviously, you can use if you want or discard otherwise. I would suggest replacing those lines with lines that further focus the attention on the separated pair. Or even reveal further the depth of their relationship somehow. That's also hard to do in two lines, to be sure, but I think it'd be more effective in strengthening the overall purpose of the poem. Good job! P.S. It's really hard to get over my exposure to Lord of the Rings, sometimes.
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