"The only true equalisers in the world are books; the only treasure-house open to all comers is a library; the only wealth which will not decay is knowledge; the only jewel which you can carry beyond the grave is wisdom." - J. A. Langford
Post by RoughWriters on Feb 23, 2012 17:57:01 GMT -6
Zombie Librarian - How to tie a shoe.
After finding some feet, any foot will do, make sure they are properly severed, and stand them by the perspective casings. ARRRH! Pardon me, It slips out sometimes. Finding the correct binding for the foot is essential in preserving it from fungus, which produces a horrid congeal of the blood. To prevent this, place the meal inside the leather container and grip the straps tightly with both hands. Those without hands may use their teeth or remaining limbs. Straight away fling both strands across each other like two meals clinging to their lives. Next, twist them around each other as if draining a carcass. Taking one thread, worm it into a circle. Then repeat with ARRRHther side. Finally pull the skins of the threads together to firmly secure the container. Congratulations! This may be performed on live prey to keep them fresh! ARRRGH
“Okay, folks, this is how you change a light bulb. Your first order of business is to go up and down the aisle in the home improvement section of your local Walmart and select the new light bulb that looks most like the old one. Once you have bought the item of your choice, take it back to the place that it is needed. Of course, driving home is the most enjoyable part of this process, so make good use of it, especially if there are any low-water crossings on the way. Anyhow, once you get to the location of the burned-out light bulb, make sure that the power is turned off before you proceed. Yes, you might be able to get away with the electricity being on, but just remember that if anything goes wrong, you’re likely to be launched Superman-style out the door. Once you have made sure that the power is off, proceed to unscrew the defective light bulb. Remember to turn it to the left. Otherwise, you might be there all day. Carefully place the burned-out light bulb in a spot where it cannot get broken, then take the new light bulb out of its box. Screw the new bulb into the empty socket, flip the light switch, and voila! Let the fun begin!”
People don’t think of someone like me needing to do laundry. But actually, the very opposite is true. I get dirty a lot. I also go through a lot of clothes, and have to end up shopping at night, but that’s another issue. I’ve been doing my own laundry a long time. It used to be, in better days, that I had people to do that for me. But with recent developments, a lot of those people got eaten, unfortunately. The first thing you need to remember is to set your washing machine on sturdy fabric, extra hot and spin cycle. That’s what I do. But for you, it might be a little different. If you have stains from something like blood, for instance, you probably should treat them right away. Pick out all the loose body parts that might be caught up in your clothes. Then put those nasty, filthy, bloody, pieces of laundry in the water. One might suggest separating whites from coloreds, but since all I wear is red and black, it’s usually not much of an issue. While the first load is going through, I usually take time to paint my nails, floss and wash my hair. It’s usually busy come sundown, so I have to find time where I can. My dryer is broken, so I have gone the old traditional route and hang my clothes out to dry in the back yard of my castle. But since I am a daysleeper, I often have the problem of neighbor kids stealing my tuxedo and my heavy coveralls while I am asleep. It doesn’t take much for me to sniff out who is responsible, though. They only do it once. That’s how I do laundry. And often that’s how I do my grocery shopping as well.
Post by Edward Cheever on Feb 23, 2012 17:58:32 GMT -6
Soviet Cosmonaut explaining How to Surf the Web
Good evening, comrade. Welcome to this time of explanation, in which we will explore the topic of how to examine binary data stream projected on monitor screen, for the glory of the mother country.
Computational devices have come long way from humble beginning. First came the large machines with punch card system. Then the glorious devices of computation with which we spread the party’s truth to the stars.
But now, however, computational devices have been put to usage by capitalist pig Americans to spread their propaganda against the mother country. They have connected computational device together to create what is called a “web.” Called so for the capitalist spiders of which prey upon working man and labor.
But there is way for glory of Mother Country to spread even through capitalist computational “web” device. This is how to do so. Go to friendly neighbor KGB officer and beg of list for state-approved “web” materials. Then, proceed to computational device terminal provided in love by glorious party. When what is called “browser” appears. Punch in text line of state approved material into address bar. Press “Enter” key. Enjoy the glorious messages the mother country has for you and be grateful.
Punching in non-approved of party material, and capitalist pig propaganda may result in immediate extermination. You have been warned.
I have a profound fondness for completely surpassing other's expectations of me.