The Hummingbird Dance

[akitaa]

When I was staying with my aunt in Arkansas one week, I watched the hummingbirds outside my window. They inspired me to write this.
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Many hummingbirds crowd around
To get their turn at the sweet water.
Unfortunately, space does not abound.
The Hummingbird Dance starts here.

Hummingbirds drink merrily along
Until one comes and looks for a place.
Then it distracts them with a song.
While they are dancing, it takes a space.

The others realize what they've done
And they decide to take revenge.
They come to the feeder one by one
And chase the thief away, they are avenged.

And so goes the dance you've never heard
Of a cute little creature called Hummingbird.

[glen]

Your poem is very visual; kudos for that.

I think you need to work on your rhythm. It seems a little bit awkward.

Being a novice at poetry, that's about all the advice I dare give.

[Edward Cheever]

The poem has an interesting topic and the first and second stanzas are good about reinforcing the imagery of a dance.

However, the third stanza inserts a lot of violent diction: revenge, chase...away, avenged. It doesn't mesh with the dance imagery so well, and I'd suggest working on that before worrying about rythm much, though for a poem about dancing rythm definately needs to be considered.

It looks promising! ^_^